Have you had those conversations yet? "Mom, let me take care of paying those bills for you." or "Dad, you forgot to pay taxes for the last how many years?" Yes, they have difficulty giving up the reigns and we, as their adult children must make sure we step in to help. The family dynamics change when we have a parent or loved one living with dementia. The time comes when you must take control of the finances and decision making.
The role reversal is challenging and you have to know when it is the right time to take over without damaging their self-esteem.
The stress is through the roof when you have to wrestle control when someone won't easily surrender. Often, individuals who are experiencing cognitive decline do not realize just how impaired they have become and it is a common behavior due to memory loss and cofusion. They become more suspicious of those around them, you probably hear "You're stealing my money!"
First thing to remember is: DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY! It is the disease.
Then, build a network to help you. Talk to the people who see your parents often and keep in contact with them. Ask them to let you know of any changes in their actions like sleeping, eating, or tasks (like paying bills, personal care, housekeeping). Look for signs such as forgetting to pay bills, or paying bills multiple times; disorganization with statements, taxes or other documents; impaired judgement when it comes to financial decisions.
You need to enter their reality. You can step in and pay the bills, but how about giving them a "fake" checkbook and let them pay their bills. Just make sure you "Mail" them.
Make sure their affairs are in order. If they have given you Power of Attorney, that is great, but you can still have them believe they are in charge. You are not really lying, you are "joining them in their reality."
I had a client in my home care agency that called me up to cancel services because he was not "paying this exhorbatant amount for care he did not need!" He was so angry that his daughter "forced" this care on him. (The man could not even use the bathroom by himself, nevermind cook or clean.) Anyway, I explained to him, "Don't worry, Sir. This service is "Free". We just like to help people. It doesn't cost you a penny." Then the daughter showed him a "fixed" check register.
There is always a way to keep your loved feeling like they have control in his/her life and gives the caregiver less stress.
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